Tonight

I've been writing a lot of songs lately, I'm sure maybe like 2 of them are any good. But I'm also learning how to play the guitar at the same time. It's scary, listening to me, that is. My dad mocks me but I'm sure it's out of love. I notice writing music is what I turn to when I'm all agh! I was definitely agh tonight.

I realized 1) I'm in a rutt and just kind of stuck in the same place. 2) I don't quite fit in anywhere, the more time goes on the more my peers annoy me, but I'm just too young for anyone older than me. 3) I have no idea what love is, but I really want to find out.

See I have crushes on just about every guy. That's an exaggeration but it's quite a high number. And I realized all my crushes seem to be out of my reach, odd isn't it? I mean I'm in a relationship and James is sweet and dorky and I like that but the reason I have crushes on other guys is because the have something James doesn't possess.

I guess it's one of way of seeing all the aspects I want in a husband. A stronger christian, dimples, goals, compassion, dedication, grasp on reality..but aspects aren't everything right?And I know, I'm 18, and that's "too young to be thinking about marriage" I don't want to rush into it but I know what I want. At least I'm starting to find out. And it's making life harder, curiously. You'd think it'd be solving a problem.

It's creating another, however, and I have to catch myself sometimes..I really do.

Lost...

I've been feeling really emotional lately, so my well thought out stuff surfaces, but don't worry I'll be back to the dumb stuff in a bit...maybe.

Deeper, deeper I fall into these arms that I call home.
so willing to love yet unwilling to trust.
my heart pounds faster with every sweet whisper
but my mind can't give myself away,
I catch myself right before I fall.
I need you, I realize as my heart hits the floor.

Silently I wait.
Trapped in the familiar sound of the calm.
But I am not calm, I can't help but long for you.
Room spinning.
Mind racing.
Love fading.
I need you, I say, as my heart hits the floor.

Crying, I realize,
Nights like this are lonely.
Tonight is just one of many.
I am yours
But how can that be?
Love in the absence of you?
I need you, desperately, as my heart hits the floor.

Deeper I fall,
Silently I wait,
Crying I realize,
Without you, I'm lost.
I need you.

Don't let my heart hit the floor.