Kiwis anyone?

I discovered going to school in New Zealand cost the same as going to school at an out of state University. Isn't that insane?!? Maybe I'll do that for my sophomore year. Ha. I'm really fascinated with accents. I mean I've always been able to somewhat speak in foreign accents but as I continue to do this project for Theater about world dialects the more I'm interested. Studying abroad is getting more and more relevant.

Music

is fantastic.

Not all of it. But a lot of it.

I've recently become infatuated with Treaty of Paris.

I'm drawn to Indie kind of flair like Ludo, Jason Mraz and Last Fast Action.

Seriously, if boredom strikes just search random words on Myspace music.

That's how I heard about The Brunettes and The Whats, both fantastic bands! Music is my only escape.

To prominade alone

This week is the last week I can buy tickets for prom.
I want to go. I'm a senior, it'll be my last chance.
But the tickets are $45 a piece. So it'd be 90 if I bought James's.
Then the dress, another 200 (give or take.)
That's 300 dollars and I haven't even thought about diner or food.
And James would have to stay here for the weekend.
And apparently my mom can't have that.

So here it is. Prom. Biggest day of my senior year.
It cost too much, I can't make a decision, and I don't want James down here feeling awkward because my mom, for some reason, doesn't approve. That won't be a fun weekend for either of us.

I'm broke, I'm sick of everything, I miss James. I wish decisions were easier to make.
I wish my mom would approve. Any approval of some sort would be refreshing from a disapproving mother.

I can't ask my parents for money. That would be too much to ask of them. Which means I'm not going to prom. What a lovely night this will turn out to be.

Stress

It feels like the world is collapsing on me. Nothing is particularly going wrong it's just nothing is going right either. Like I'm just stuck. Stuck, that's a good a word for it. I'm stuck.

I'm struggling with multiple issues from self-confidence to fear of failure to desire for independence yet being very dependent. I'm not growing up the way one should. I'm going backwards. I'm spent most of my kid years being an adult. Of course I made kid mistakes, who didn't? But while a kid at 14 might see a mistake as a "don't do it again" sort of thing, I saw it as a disease. If I were to do that again I would surely die, and if not die be severely ill. I could not fail. I can not fail. While failing is easier, the ultimate idea of failing scares the crap out of me. So I depend on my parents far too much. For money, for rides, for decisions. They are my stone, my stepping stone to life, but I'm too scared to take the next step.

Ridiculous, actually. I'm 18. Smart. Leader like qualities. More mature than most. And I can't even take a driving test because I'm afraid. Afraid of failing, afraid of dying. I'm afraid. My whole life I've been afraid.

Afraid. Dependent. Self-conscious.
When am I gonna grow up?

Bah, life

it's too confusing.
Sometimes I wish it was easier than this.